If You Notice This Notice You Will Notice This Notice Is Not Worth Noticing

Recently, contrary to wandering round in my usual dazed state of confusion, I’ve been paying some attention to things. And one of the things I’ve noticed is notices. When did it becoming common practice for people to put up pointless notices headed, “POLITE NOTICE” before ranging into some inane or trivial request or instruction?

Where do I begin?

First: at the risk of inviting examples, there are not usually any other sort of notices are there. How many times do you see this on your travels?

OFFENSIVE NOTICE
Don’t park your fucking rustheap of a car here any more, you snivelling pile of shit, so recently evacuated from the rectum of a gastrically uncomfortable chihuahua. 

Not, as a rule, all that often, I’ll be bound, especially as you don’t see many yappy rat-dogs in the frozen wastes of the North. I don’t believe there are sufficient obscenely wealthy old crone or Paris Hilton armpits in supply for them to grow from.

Second: exactly who are you to tell me whether a notice is polite or not? It’s something of a complex artistic and moral calculation to make. Besides, I’m reading it so I’ll decide whether it’s being polite to me or not, thank you very much (see what I’m doing, I’m being polite there).

Third: if you are pissing your sad life away wasting your effort writing “Polite Notice” on a pointless notice, the chances are that you believe that those of us who are condemned to read these things won’t understand whether the thing is polite or not. As a result you are being quite staggeringly patronising and hence, by extension, exceedingly impolite. Oh the irony!

What’s the upshot? I either ignore the notice or, if I’m feeling particularly mischievous I will blatantly do exactly what I am being “asked” not to. In all, not a particularly effective notice then, one would have thought.

In conclusion then:

IMPOLITE NOTICE
If you have written a notice that begins “Polite Notice” recently. Stop it. It’s stupid, patronising and extremely annoying. Moron. 

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